Another Halloween story. I read this one last night at the Skelebration to end the night. Utterly ridiculous but fun to write, and again, if ya dig it, buy a book!
Gee Willikers and the Haunted Penis
My name is Gary, or George, or maybe it’s Gerry, it’s something like that. Whatever. You know, it’s a ‘G’ name, and if you have that then you’re as good as crapped, ya know? I wasn’t born with a good name, like Carol, or, or like Marvin, no, no, I was born with Gggggg…whatever. Oh, yeah, my memory is for shit too atop that name thing. Yeah, I was born with a crap flavored lollipop in my mouth. Oh, oh, yeah, I am hairy too. Not like a gorilla but it’s awkward nonetheless. It’s like, you know, you’re getting it on and the girl is goin’ south of the border and a minute later there’s coughin’ and the like and she comes up for air ’cause ya got the black forest on yer balls. It’s embarrassing, to say the least. Anyway, that’s me, G Willikers, Esquire, professional um, whatever it is. You don’t care about all that, do ya? Hell no. Ya care about my damned dong, not anything else. So, here it is.
Once upon a time I was in love. Not like, for real-real, like where ya get all sweaty palmed and wanna hug and stuff, no, this was the sorta where ya just wanna get naked and sweaty a lot then sober up and wander off for a good piss. I wouldn’t say I would marry the gal but I would certainly take her out to a nice burger joint and bang her for a good couple weeks. Her name was Dandelion, or, no, that was it, yeah, she was a sort of an earth girl, if ya follow me, and she worked at the local chicken shack. I would go in there every day on my lunch break, would order a thigh and a breast, naturally, and some slaw and would give the nickel left from the two-ninety-five lunch to her and would give a nice wink. Yeah, smooth, that’s me baby, real smooth. So after three months I go in there, all slicked up, new jeans and boots, and a real swell long sleeved shirt with those swirly things, um, paisley it was, and I went up to her and she was lookin’ good in her red outfit, the sleeves cut high so you could see her biceps, which were huge, and I gave her a wink and ordered. So she gives me my order and sorta smiles with as many teeth as she has, and in her sexy, deep, gruff voice tells me to keep the change. Ha. Me, the customer. That’s some funny shit from a chicken slinger. So all smooth I lean forward and take her and and tell her that she forgot to put something in my order. And she raises an eyebrow and asks what that is and I lean close and whisper to her – some leg.
Yeah, we fucked.
It was pretty great.
I was awesome.
And that was that. I had wanted to bang her for so long, and it was pretty much like one of those foreign pornos from the eighties – all hair, sweat, and illegal motion in the back field. After it was done though it was just, you know, over. Done. I just didn’t have anything to say. See, I am simple man. I like simple things, like sex, toast, beer, and the occasional Asian massage. And that’s about it. I’ll throw down on some Pong here and there but usually I just spend my time hangin’ out and, uh, whatever. Anyway so I am there, in bed with this chick, and she’s still got her big chicken hat on still, which I had thought was hot during the sex but now seemed silly. And it’s me and her, her and me, and we’re both naked and she cuddles up to me and lifts a leg and lets one rip and then giggles and cuddles closer. So I wait until I can hear her snores and can feel the drool running down my chest and slowly, so slowly I slide out from under her grasp and off the bed. I pull my jeans on quickly, pulled on some filthy jam rag shirt I had and barrel rolled out of there and laid low at the pornos for the day. I drove back by at nine and saw her hatchback still sitting in my driveway, and shit, it was gonna be one of those, wasn’t it. I sat in the street a minute then peeled out and headed for The all night big and tall sale and spent the evening trying on suits I would never buy. Classy, that’s me.
By the time I finally cruised by my home she was gone but then so were all my collectible plates and collectible glasses from famous Nascar drivers. They were all smashed into bits on my front porch. Meh, it happens. What can I say, break ups are never easy? And that was that, I gave her her space and went to Space Burger for a couple weeks and then figured it was time to go back for some chicken. I slid in there and caught her gaze immediately. Sure, the sparks were still there but you know, I can’t be tied down, not to one lady, and besides, that weird tattoo on her as was distracting. I went up and ordered my usual, all smiles, knowing she felt what I felt, and she smiled, all teeth, well, you know, and a lot of gums, and she leaned in and whispered to me – I remembered, you just love the thigh. I looked and wouldn’t ya know it, she had slipped me an extra piece, a thigh, and didn’t even charge extra. Well, if I wasn’t against the whole settling thing then I might make her my whatever it is ya do with a chick. I took my meal and sat down and I tell ya what, that thigh was spicy, but it was the best piece of chicken I ever ate.
Well, it was the best chicken I ever ate until I got the trots come midnight and spent the rest of the night shitting a chocolate river like it was Christmas. I was finally empty by noon the next day and crashed out on the couch and dreamt. The dreams were only fragments, like flipping through television channels and trying to catch the storyline of ten shows but I got the gist – cursed. The thigh had been cursed and so was I. Cursed. I woke with a start and ran to the bathroom and screamed.
She’d made me a were…wait, wait a sec, no, no, it’s just me. I am just that damned hairy. Shit.
I took a breath and stripped to shower the funk from me and stepped under the water and that was when I saw it. My dick. My dick was haunted. I looked down and saw my immense ma…ok, ,my average sized, if not a little smaller, penis was glowing orange and had a Jack-O-Lantern’s grin carved in it. I poked my finger into the mouth hole and felt it go in a little. I screamed. I screamed a lot. And as I screamed, so did my penis, the eyes narrowing and the mouth opening wide to let out a howl. I danced around under the hot water and felt a burning pain from down below and looked down to see that my penis was holding its breath. It was suffocating. I mean, dicks can’t breathe under water, can they? Of course not. I jumped out of the shower and felt the fire slowly subside and looked down to see if the little guy, I mean the big guy was ok and he gave me a wink to tell me he was. I smiled down at him but that smile quickly faded as I saw that my little guy was nestled in deep green grass and that two big yellow gourds were hidden behind him. I fell face first into the toilet and puked up the pork chops I had had for breakfast the day before. Yup, it was gonna be one of those sorta days. I wandered over to the couch and plopped down on it and propped my chin on my elbows and stared down at my dick.
And so passed the day, me all nude and hungry and smelly and my dick all WOOOOing and BOOOOing. It was cute for a little while, then annoying, then sorta cute again. My penis made this little face when it was trying to be scary and, well, it was just damned adorable. As cute as it was though, I had shit to do and needed to do it. I looked down at my dick and sorta smiled, sorta shrugged, and stood up, which made him boo all the more. This wasn’t gonna work so I walked over to the phone book and looked in the green pages, where all the Discount Exorcists were and picked one out and called. He’d be over in an hour so I made minute soup, which, for me, usually took about an hour.
The Exorcist didn’t come alone, the geezer bringing with him some young kid with a mother complex. The old guy told me to lay down on the bed and if you ask me he lingered a bit when he was touching my wee man but he said he was a professional and you know, he knows best. Right? The old man put on a banana costume and his assistant put on a clown nose and they began doing a bunny hop around me. The bed wiggled, my dick howled, and I swear I saw some weird faces popping up all over that looked like my chicken queen.
“We have her on the ropes boy-o, we have her on the ropes!”
My penis let out another howl and I looked down and saw it was vomiting blood and soup all over the place and brother, that shit’s just gross. I coughed a couple times to hint that I wasn’t getting any younger and then suddenly I felt this great pain in my stomach and screamed aloud as it moved down me and exited from my rear with a great and thunderous boom and then the room shook and a foul smell filled the room.
“It is defeated. The curse has been lifted.”
The old man looked down at me and smiled as his assistant screamed out and jumped out my window. Weird kid, that one. I paid the old fella the thirty dollars, told him a new window would be twenty, and he left with me ten bucks poorer but with my penis all shiny and new and maybe, just maybe a little bigger. I got up and looked down and smiled. Yup, it was back, it was back and I was hungry. Hungry for chicken.
Yeah, seriously, I did it again. This time she got me with a cursed thigh though, and now it’s my ass that is cursed and has eyes and sings Sinatra. Not bad when yer in the shower but man, ya ever hear Sinatra shit out of his mouth? It’s a hell of an awful sound. So that’s me – genius. I should go though, I need to get the phone book and look up talent scouts. I can get this thing exorcised any time but man, imagine the tail I can get with a singing dumper?